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Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Run Naked Today!
I downloaded apps, let the phone determine my location (even though I knew exactly where I was), and perfected my swiping skill. I visited a Mac store, bought an horribly expensive armband, installed the iMapMyRun app and waited gleefully till it was time to run. My feet was barely out of the door when I discovered that the phone wouldn't fit into the horribly expensive armband. (more)
Friday, May 7, 2010
Patience.
I once read somewhere that running is a humbling experience. We run because we get motivated, but what keeps us going is the patience to get through the journey. A friend once told me that humans are not instinctively born to run because our forefathers ran only when there was imminent danger, not because there was prize money and a sash for it. (more)
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Kinta Road on A Pickup.
My brothers and I would spend our weekends there, often catching up on homework or playing with the neighbour's puppies. The Na Tuk Kong's shrine in front of the shop, housed under an old shady tree, has a constant stream of followers offering incense, fruits, colour-sugared biscuits and flowers. Try spouting disrespectful nonsense in front of the deity's statue and you'll be promptly rewarded with a swift wallop on the head by a gobsmacked parent. "Seoy zai ah, mou luen kom gong yeh ah!' ("you stupid boy, don't spout rubbish!")... (more)
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Quintessential Tips for Running a Race.
(7) Deep-heat stations: grab the whole tube and don't be satisfied with just a handful of that white gooey stuff. Apply it over your face, your eyes and the inside of your nostrils. You'll get a horribly painful sting, but it'll give you a much-needed boost. Application to private areas not recommended but there's not much harm trying. (more)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The Three Little Pigs (Unsuitable for Children).
The second little pig built his house in Boon Lay. This was a little bit stronger than the Potong Pasir house.
But it's damn bloody far, complained the wolf. He had to take the train, transfer at another station, transfer to yet another feeder bus and walk 25 minutes to get to the second pig's house. Luckily for him there's transfer rebate.
"Okay now I can't find Blk 467C." The wolf put his palm to his face. He stopped a foreign worker and asked for directions.
The foreign worker let off a string of incomprehensible dialect which sounded like verbal diarrhea. So the wolf ate the foreign worker. (more)
Sunday, April 26, 2009
The S Factor.
A tribute to the girls of local production 'S Factor' which I've done over two evenings using iMovie. The thing to note is that I've used minimal editing on these girls so this should be a pretty fair represenation of who they are on camera.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
The Story of My Cigarettes.
Cigarettes in Taiwan and Japan were cheaper than dirt. You could have shoveled some mud and use them to pay for 10 packets of cigs. "Chang Shou Yan", or "Long Life Cigarettes" (I love the irony), however, wasn't the most pleasant ones I ever had. The best thing I found in Taiwan was Davidoff Classics, which tasted a thousand times better than regular Marlboro. It lacked the strong, dry taste with most cigarettes gave after taking a drag. And let's not forget that the box was beautifully designed.et over him. (more)
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Sumiko Tan on her Surprisingly Single Valentine's Day.
"Get over him. Look at me, I'm single yet fabulous."
But I didn't quite get Jamie's response when I rang her up and offered my classic opening line. She just said, "Sumiko, please, get out of my face."
"But Jamie," I retorted. "I'm on the phone with you. You can't see my face." It takes one single girl to know another. And I nodded approvingly to myself. (more)
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Kylie Kwong Cooking Up a Huge Pot of Rubbish.
The thing with Kylie Kwong was that as someone who had never grew up in Asia (she pronounced scallops as "score-lops" - that was a dead giveaway), it almost never comes out right when she does her shows. It's like someone telling you that chop suey and fortune cookies originated from China, and how all Chinese rejoice in glee when they tuck into a plate of fried cockroachs, lizards and telly-tubbies. (more)
Thursday, December 18, 2008
And Off I Ran.
And when it was a bad day at work, I ran. When it was a good day, I ran too. Sometimes I ran really fast because there was a dog hot on my heels, and sometimes I'm just incredibly hungry I can't wait to grab dinner. There were times I ran really badly - after my no holds barred pig-out trip in Penang or when I just didn't have enough sleep. But I had Oda's music spinning in my head even when I was running without my shuffle. (more)
Sunday, November 2, 2008
I am possessed by Sumiko Tan.
Although readers can probably tell by now that it is my standard practice to pull out some random statistical studies made by some vaguely-famous universities in the middle of my article, they would certainly understand my justification for that. I'm single, dammit. (more)
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
The Subprime Story - in Kway Kak Terms
Jiak Chye Boh, the Kway Kak seller in the Village of Kah Chng, had laid out his plans. Chye Boh was famous for his Kway Kak in his village, but beyond that he was a virtual unknown. He reckons that if he worked hard enough, all the villages within the 100-mile radius would soon be eating his brand of Kway Kak.
The only question, as always, was how.
So Chye Boh thought of a brilliant idea. He went around the villages peddling his famous (by Kah Chng's standard) Kway Kak. "If I taught one person in each village how to fry Kway Kak, and in turn they return me a regular fee, I will rake in lots of moolah!"
Unfortunately, travelling from village to village and approaching every able-bodied villager for a share of his business pie took up too much time and effort.
So Chye Boh had another idea. He went to the supermarkets in town and told them, "I'm going to set up a counter outside your supermarket. Your responsibility is to find parties willing to take up my franchise of Kway Kak."
And the supermarkets' bosses all agreed. They welcomed anyone who was interested to own their own business. "No need to pay interest for being part of the franchise," the supermarkets bosses claimed. "We'll even pay you to take this up!"
Business was so good that the supermarket bosses had to hire salespersons to help push the product. All the sales people had to do was to push the Kway Kak franchise at the counters, and the supermarkets will give the franchisees money to set up the stalls.
Then the supermarket bosses decided to license the rights for running the counters to anyone who was interested - school boards, sleazy health clubs and retirees' clubs all wanted a piece of it. To sweeten the deal, the bosses' bought insurance for the counters which protected them against any forms of default.
"Wah, these franchise must be extremely reliable. Let's give them a AAA rating." said the credit rating agencies.
And lo and behold - something went wrong (as always).
The franchisees defaulted in their payments - some lacked the experience in running a kway kak business, and some simply gave up. The inflow of money to the counters dried up; those who bought the rights for running them were petrified. They demanded the insurance companies to reimburse them for the losses.
The supermarket bosses watched in horror as their kway kak counters turned into toxic junk, and they had no choice but to file for bankruptcy. The insurance companies collapsed under the weight of their enormous debts. The credit rating agencies went into hiding. As for Jiak Chye Poh - he died from a heart attack for eating too much kway kak.
The moral of the story - too much kway kak will kill you.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
How To Be An Annoying Singaporean Male
You hang a pair of Chinese paintings next to your Ikea lamp and you declare that as 'a fine mix of traditionalism and modernism'. // You're constantly amazed that what your Windows Vista can do. // You use a condom twice. Or thrice. // You think Star Wars IV: A New Hope is the BEST. MOVIE. EVER. // You own a Manchester United jersey // You.... (more)
Thursday, June 5, 2008
The 'Add' Function
Wei Khim told me a story about his friend who worked with a civil servant in Malaysia.
The friend was waiting for a statistical report on the number of traffic accidents in Malaysia, but it was taking a really long time. Getting somewhat impatient, he approached the civil servant who was in-charge of collating the data.
And there she was, sitting in front of the PC with an excel spreadsheet opened. She was meticulously copying down the numbers from the spreadsheet into a large book, complete with lines drawn neatly across. Next to it was a calculator.
With a gaping mouth, he politely asked the girl what she was doing. She replied that she was adding up the numbers from the spreadsheet.
Trying his very best not to start whacking the girl violently with the book, he said, 'Cik, let me show you something... you see, this 'add' function on excel? Ah... you can actually add all these numbers up without having to write them down on a book!'
Needless to say, cik was more than impressed. We were too!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Here's Why Corporate Bankers can't be Private Bankers
...And with the level of trust she has given me over the past year, I figured that even if I tried to help, my advice will fly straight into the bin. So I tried keeping mum.
The fun began when she started to get confused and in turn, made everyone confused as well. "Wait... is it one share @ IDR1,000 or one lot at IDR1,000?"
Ivan replied. "It's one share at IDR1,000."
"NO! I don't think so you know! You better check! How many shares are there in one lot?!" She shot back.
Ivan stood up at looked at me from his desk, his eyes widened. I looked at him and gave a 'here-we-go-again' expression. This is priceless s***.(say more)
Sunday, April 20, 2008
If I had SGD51,000,000,000.00, I could have...
...Sunday Brunch at the Ritz-Carlton for 425 million times. Unfortunately Sundays only happen once a week so you'll have to live for another 8.1 million years to see your brunch offer run out. (say more)
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Episode 503
The victim then gets a real makeover and goes back into the room with her face covered while the rest of the girls hold their breath in anticipation. She reveals the end result and everyone squeals in excitement! It's amazing! I can't believe it! You're so PRETTY! Oh My God I just peed in my panties! (say more)
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Weekend Morning and Pounding...
... the pavement (tsk tsk). Last Saturday was the first time I've ran for a considerably long distance since the Standard Chartered Marathon. From Wei's place, I reached East Coast just in time to catch the sunrise (right picture) and to see throngs of people trying their luck fishing at Bedok Jetty (left picture). There was a group whose exercise routine was to laugh as loudly as possible, and yet another was happily line-dancing to Sally Yeh's signature tune. That was the tranquility I needed after a long week at work.
(Of course, the boys were definitely worth checking out too.)
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Are You Guilty of Leech-Shopping?
Own up. Those of you who are guilty to asking others to shop for your favourite merchandise when they go on a trip. Let me count thy ways of how the crime is committed:
At the end of the day, I have no qualms about shopping for others, but sometimes it's the attitude that puts me off. A friend recently turned to me for help, but she made it seemed like I owed her a favour. The moral of the story is: if you want something - go get it yourself. I didn't ask you to pay for a portion of my air-ticket, right?
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Episode 502
The year was 1989 and it was my first year in secondary school (or high school). I was barely 13 and around me were many friends who discovered that the meaning of life is nothing more than centre-partings, super-lemons and getting a copy of Rick Astley's cassette. (say more)
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Episode 501
Dad remembered that Grandma once brought him a medium because he was weak. The medium, a woman, laid a row of eggs in front of her and threw a handful of uncooked rice in the air. Two grains of rice landed respectively on two eggs, and the medium asked Grandma if she have had 2 daughters. Grandma nodded. It was there when dad found out that he had two older sisters, who had presumbly died during infancy, and that he wasn't the oldest kid in the family. Grandma never talked about that again. (say more)