Thursday, December 20, 2007
SUB-PRIME.

"I didn't do it."

a.k.a. 2007's Word-of-the-Year or The-Word-to-use-in-conversations-to-appear-marginally-intelligent. Top bankers have been waking up screaming this very word since many moons ago, and some may even allude the blame to Alan Greenspandex, who has failed take sufficient control of the situation when he was the Fed Chairman.

Nevetheless, sub-prime or no sub-prime, it's really not something we mere mortals should be concerned about. Let the Gods fight so that we can continue to cry foul when cab companies raises fares, when a local bakery chain makes customers visit the loo once too often, and when an unmarried woman likens anal sex to a straw up her rather big nose. Sooner or later, you will forget that these events ever took place because we are all programmed that way.

But before the word "sub-prime" goes out of fashion (as too often seen on the dresses worn by actresses in the Singapore Star Awards), iAlsoSay! would like to present a list of situations where the usage of this word is considered highly inappropriate.

* Jenny lost her virginity last night; she now belongs to the sub-prime lot.

* Leonard got into trouble his Math teacher because he forgot his sub-prime numbers.

* Willie has decided to enrol his son into a sub-primary school because the local neighbourhood school ran out of places.

* While the prime minister is out of the country, the sub-prime minister takes over his duties.

* John begins to sub-prime Kenny with lots of lubricant.

* A lower case of the symbol prime (') is known as the sub-prime.

* Julia couldn't keep up with the younger bitches anymore as she is way past her sub-prime.

Monday, December 3, 2007
Ready to Try Again.

It seemed like eternity after passing the 35km mark; I felt like I was running on the spot beause the next kilometre mark took forever to appear. And as I approached Stadium Road, a group of Malay girls were performing a hilarious rap - our eyes met for a brief moment, and then we all started cracking up. Mysteriously, I've lost some of my fatigue and gained a little strength and support, while finally believing that I can finish the race. (say more)

Monday, November 26, 2007
Episode 420

So come December 2, 2007, I will be picking up my running shoes and go for the run of my life. If ever (God forbid) I should collapse and never make it back alive, this shall be the final entry of my blog. But I am more optimistic than that; I will make it and I will tell all you fuckers what a bloody good run it was. (say more)

Monday, November 12, 2007
Overheard...

Gay Boy A: My sister-in-law's sis sold off her apartment at Queens!

Gay Boy B: Wah! Queens? She has an apartment in New York?

Gay Boy A: Queens - Queenstown lah.

Pretentious Queen-Wannabe.

Friday, November 2, 2007
Yvonne Lee Strikes, Again.

It's like asking you the question "Ms Lee, do you like straws? Do you know how it feels like to have my huge, thick and veiny straw up your tiny nose?" Oh don't get mad - I'm just talking about real plastic straws and human noses. No one's going to allude that to anal sex! (say more)

Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Mass Hysteria

We haven't seen each other for a long time, but the first thing she asked was "so have you been saved?". How odd. I thought she'd ask "how are you?" but it seems that 'being saved' took a higher priority. And not that I have anything to be saved from. (say more)

Monday, October 29, 2007
Of Straws, Noses and Dr. Thio Li-Ann

...I thumped violently on my chair again when Dr Thio said "[t]here are no ex-Blacks but there are ex-gays". How apt! How correct! You know, some homosexuals subsequently went on ranting about Michael Jackson being an ex-black. Hello!? Please think carefully before shooting your mouth off. Michael Jackson is NOT an ex-black; he's just a little tanned last time. (suck more)

Sunday, October 28, 2007
Q: At this point in time, I'd really shouldn't be Googling myself if my name is ___________ .

A: Thio Li-Ann

Friday, October 12, 2007
Mustafa: The New Taglines

Mustafa: For all your shopping needs - and more!

Mustafa: Our fruits are fresh - since two years ago!

Mustafa: Buy a fridge and get a FREE murtabak!

Mustafa: Who needs Carrefour?

Mustafa: Fuck Fairprice! We're the best!

Mustafa: Seasons Greetings! For New Year, Chinese New Year, Good Friday, Vesak Day, National Day, Hari Raya Puasa, Hari Raya Haji, Christmas and Sundays!

Mustafa: At everywhere else it's milk gone bad. At Mustafa it's called yoghurt.

Mustafa: We're better than the four floors of whores! We have six!

Mustafa: Where finding a cashier doesn't necessarily mean finding an exit

Mustafa: You probably don't, but we see the connection between stacking the incense next to the detergents.

Mustafa: We killed Fairprice across the street. Now it's a bank.

Mustafa: Coming up: we sell coffins too!

Mustafa: Coming up: And yes, we cremate as well

Mustafa: Where fake flowers are a wonderful fad

Mustafa Presents Kenny G 'Live'! 1-night only! (between the saris and detergent sections)

Mustafa: There's a trap door below every cashier just in case we have an emergency

Mustafa: A stampede is an emergency

Mustafa: At the rate we're going, we will get a stampede soon

Mustafa: Eat this: Soo Kee, Lee Hwa and Poh Heng!

Mustafa: We do not believe in cash registers; We believe in drawers

Mustafa: We're getting the LTA to build a LRT line between our departments

Mustafa: If you think it's there, it probably isn't

Mustafa: If you think it's not there, it probably is

Mustafa: Please excuse us if our lifts appear to be slow. The five workers we hired from the construction site probably aren't pulling hard enough.

Mustafa: We're in the midst of expanding our furniture section. We're buying IKEA.

Mustafa: We don't support any charities. Those are for losers.

Mustafa: Screw the anti-theft sensory system. Our plastic tags costs 0.02 cents and it works bloody well.

Mustafa: Does HMV sell any Hindi movies? No? Then screw HMV!

Mustafa: Performance of song-and-dance items around plastic trees are strictly prohibited

Mustafa: Performance of song-and-dance items around cashiers are strictly prohibited too

Mustafa: Don’t ask us for directions. We're lost as well.

Mustafa: Buy a shoe and get the other for exactly the same price!

Mustafa: Wal-Mart: don't even THINK about it.

Mustafa: If DVDs are released before the movie screens, it's not called piracy. It's called anticipation.

Mustafa: No, you may not buy a set of our uniform for comedic reasons

Mustafa: The only place in Singapore that still sell cassettes!

Mustafa: We're open 365 days a year, 52 weeks a year, 12 months a year, 1 year a year. (Note to plastic bag printer: change wordings to 366 days a year, 53 weeks a year, 13 months a year and 2 years a year during leap years.)

Mustafa: Yes, Hrithik Roshan is HOT. But that doesn't mean you can rip his posters off the wall.

Mustafa: Japan has 127 million people. India has 1.129 billion people. Now guess why we aren't selling Japanese magazines?

Mustafa: Screw you, Kinokuniya

Mustafa: In US of A they have VOGUE. In Mustafa we have WOMEN'S ERA

Mustafa: Know where our reception is? We don't either.

Mustafa: What? We don't have a reception?

Mustafa: We'll build a new wing for the reception!

Mustafa: Ask our friendly cashiers for fake passports and visas! (just do it quietly please)

Mustafa: The only store in Singapore that sells the Hybrid Radio-cum-torchlight-cum-electric-fan-cum-cassette-player-cum-shampoo-dispenser. Screw you, iPod

Mustafa: Ask us for our chunky fries! And our chunky cashiers too! (Yes, Reena - we're referring to you)

Mustafa: How may we confuse you today?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007
A Quick Update.

For the enormous amount of fans I have (yes, there's Ben, and there's erm, well?), I apologize for not updating this page sooner. I was involved in the Milan and Paris Spring/Summer '08 fashion shows. Someone ask Lagerfeld to get off my back already!!

Right - back to mundane reality.

Quite obviously, there hasn't been much to shout about lately. I have been running a lot, partly to get back in shape, and partly to gear up for the marathon in December. It's the first time I'm trying to manage the 42.195 monster so I'm rather nervous. I hope I don't drop dead at/ before the finishing line because I haven't conquered the world. Wei is concerned about my knees (that hurt like fuck), squashed toes (no thanks to the bloody new trainers) and my immense appetite (who doesn't love carbos?) but I assured him that I'm managing well. Right after I down two plates of pasta.

HMV becomes our favourite haunt, because there's so much to see and nothing to buy. We passed by the section where you can get the second CD at 50% off. I told Wei, "Easy, just tell the cashier I'm buying only the second one!" So here's the trick - the next time you go on a shopping splurge, stay at a hotel, book a cruise, just tell them you only need the item that has X% off. Just because we're CONsumers doesn't mean we're all stupid. Hah!

Sunday, September 2, 2007
Episode 419

The Reservist Chronicles: the cookhouse had the habit of piling huge portions of food
on top of one another; what looked remotely appetizing when viewed separately now
looks like a secondary school biology project gone awry. (say more)

Sunday, July 22, 2007
Episode 418

You can continue to use your tirades against us but the fact is that homosexuality will never go away (and has never gone away in the first place). Your reasons of preserving the family unit, social cohesiveness/fabric often seem to me that they are perhaps, only covers for a greater deep-rooted hatred and ignorance to people who are different from yourselves.

What would your ultimate aim be? To make homosexuals realize that they are "wrong" and somehow they will be converted into heterosexuals? Would we be any better off that we were before? Would there be less rapes, murders and social problems? If we, in fact, were to listen to you and marry someone of the opposite sex, but later fall back to our old ways, who do we blame? Us because we have allowed ourselves to, or you, because you have tried to convince us of something that we really weren't? Are you responsible enough to take responsibility of my sexuality?

If not, who are you to tell me what I am, what I should do and whom I should sleep with? Just because your holy book said so? What if I didn't believe in your religion? Would you force me to believe it, just like people used to believe that the earth is flat, women are commodities and the mother is responsible for determining the sex of her baby? Where do you stop? Where does this bigotry draw a line? (say more)

Friday, July 13, 2007
If I Were A Singaporean.

Of course, I certainly am. Do you need proof? I could give you one butt stroke to the groin using my dummy M16.

But if I were a Singaporean and I'm taking a plane. You'd be scared. Very scared in fact. This is because I'd:

- empty the entire bowl of mints at the immigration counter and repackage them as souvenirs for the relatives ("Oei, only can get in airport restricted area, hor!").

- ... secure rolls of toilet paper from the restrooms and luggage tags from the check-in counter. These can be used to wrap the mints.

- ask for a window seat "BEFORE the seat-belt sign is off" and then an aisle seat "AFTER the seat-belt sign is off" ("Can see plane taking off and later go toilet easier, mah.")

- insist on a toiletries bag even if it's a 45-minute ride to Kuala Lumpur.

(insist more)

Thursday, July 5, 2007
Chu Chee ChuChuChu.

Linda was ecstatic when the credits started rolling.

"I likkkkked this movie sooooo much!!! Yaaaaaaay!!" and started clapping softly to herself, since no one else did. I must have counted like 16 'fuck's during the movie when there were intense sequences. Especially when Megatron rammed into Optimus.

"I likkkked Optimus Prime! He's my hero! I want to marry him!"

I looked at her. "Ever wonder why you never see a female autobot? That's because all of them are..."

"SHADDUP!! My Optimus Prime is so man, I want to marry him!"

"He's probably sleeping with Bumblebee." Wei chipped in.

I tried imitating Optimus deep voice, "Oh Bumblebee, you lubed me up real good just now... You've got any lubricant left?"

"SHADDUP SHADDUP! You're just jealous because Optimus Prime is mine."

I shot back - "Eh, Optimus not available wor, Comfort Cab can or not? 'Go Ang Mo Kio eh sai boey' (can or not?)".

Then I rattled off the mechanical sounds from the transformers while er, transforming. "Chu Chee ChuChuChu!!!"

"No lah, no Comfort Cab, yellow-top, cheapest looking one." Wei was happily joining in the fun.

"Oei, enough hor!" Linda was pouting. "Can't you see? Optimus can pick me up and drop me off from work..."

"Make sure he has card-reader for ERP, otherwise kena summun."

"Don't forget peak hour got bus-only lane!"

Looks like Linda isn't getting hitched to Optimus Prime very soon.

Sunday, June 10, 2007
Terror Suspect.

How appropriate to place this girl right next to the terror-plotting report on the papers. Oh my, the irony.

Sunday, May 13, 2007
Episode 417

it was Parent Visiting Day. And knowing the army, they would love to to show parents that their kids are in good hands. The camp grounds were clean, the recruits had plenty of rest time, and the cooks were smiling, obliging and could whip up delectable cuisines. Of course this was a bloody farce, but no one said it because they assumed everyone knew. (say more)

Sunday, May 13, 2007
Episode 416

My first encounter with Sergeant Charles was anything but pleasant. We were packed off like cattle from CMPB, took a long bus ride to Hendon Camp, had the worst lunch in the whole damn world, and shipped off like slaves on a RPL, kind of like the ones you see on The Awakening. Funny how all reservists would now all sing in harmony when someone starts humming the all-too-familiar tune "Ahhh... ahhh ahhh ahhh, ahhh ahhh ahhh, ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhhhhhh...." That of course, was the theme song of The Awakening. Ask them to sing Stand Up for Singapore and they rather drop dead. (say more)

Monday, April 30, 2007
Volver with 20 Centimetros.

Two Spanish movies - and incredibly good. The former was considerably heavier, involving issues of death and incest whereas 20 Centimetros is lighter and fluffier - and the song and dance sections never fails to crack me up. And you can obviously tell that I'm not cut out to be a film critic - so go see the movies yourselves (go to HMV.com.hk if you can't find them in theatres).

Sunday, March 25, 2007
Episode 415

The old Japanese couple on the trishaw laughed nervously, waving at the trannies as they sped through Area 51. On a good day, some might wave back. On a bad day, you might get a case of a Flying Fake Ferragamo. (say more)

Sunday, February 18, 2007
Episode 414

Sudbury was dead by the time we arrived at 5:30 in the morning. We were extremely tired by then and needed a good place to get some sleep. The surprise came when we discovered that some schools were in town for a summer hockey tournament, and most hotels were fully-booked. Oh God, don't make me drive back to Toronto now. I promise you I will fall asleep while at the wheel and somehow, the perfect ditch will be dugged next to the highway, and it will be ready for three bodies. (say more)

Thursday, February 15, 2007
Episode 413

Treacherous, pulse-racing and erections-killer is what I would have describe the ride to Montreal which took longer than expected because I've missed an exit. And it doesn't help when everything is in French - Nord, Sud, Rue, Cum, whatever. (say more)

Thursday, February 8, 2007
Mannequin Talk

It's in the air; even the mannequins are talking about it.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Episode 412

I knew I was in trouble when he found out that I could speak his native language - and then he started blabbering his instructions in Cantonese. The problem with my Cantonese was that I am only capable of speaking it to two persons in the world - my dad and my mum. If I could complete a whole sentence effortlessly, that would mean pigs could fly. Sensing my incapability in the language department, John tried to speak in Mandarin and English. I told him to stick to Cantonese. (say more)

Saturday, January 6, 2007
Episode 411 (now with video!)

It is now possible that to start your own Pussycat Dolls group if you (i) are a shemale from Patpong (ii) love to dance on the Zouk podium while mimicking the moves of the Pussycat Dolls and (iii) can ensure that your dick isn't accidentally exposed to a crowd of 600 when you're doing a leg-stretch on the podium. No wonder why I threw up that night at Zouk. (say more)

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