Wednesday, December 13, 2006
What A Difference A Day Made

Ah, the Three-O. I have woke up many times screaming and breaking out in cold sweat while dreaming of the arrival of Year Three-O. It can't be, it shouldn't be. Those who say 'age ain't nothing but a number' will be mercilessly spat on.

I wouldn't say it's an amazing day (I was at work, thank you very much), but it wasn't anything less extraordinary. I've got an SMS from Saba in Canada, a call from Navi in India, a call from Wei in Hong Kong (who still thinks I'm turning 29, yippie), and numerous SMSes.

And the unsettling SMS came from an old friend - a mutual friend of ours (whom we've known for 17 long years since high school) has been in bad shape because her new-born was having serious health issues. 15 years ago we'd be worried sick about failing our Math test, but now that seemed so minuscule.

So I did some thinking today (that's why it's extraordinary) and perhaps coupled with my friend's problems, it made me a little sombre about my 30th birthday. That's the difference a mere day made.

And my birthday wish, of course - I hope my friend's kid and my new-born niece will enjoy long, happy and healthy lives.

Saturday, December 9, 2006
Season 3

Astute readers (if there were any to begin with...) would have discovered by now that the episodes for Season 3 were missing from the archive section. And where's the archive section? Astute readers (if there were any to begin with...) would have discovered by now that it's the arrow on the top right corner of this page. And where's the top right corner? (and so it continues...)

So I'm doing a some housecleaning today and will uploading episodes from these past season one at a time. And it starts from...

Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Episode 302

Her name is Diana. No, not like as in Princess Di or something, but maybe she chose the name Diana in order to cover up the fact that her real name is Jin Siak Gim. She sits two sections away, mid-40s, slightly balding, and talks so loud that the phone on her table is rendered useless. (say more)

Saturday, December 2, 2006
Ah Ma Tian Pin

Ah Ma Tian Pin is the stall tucked in the corner while quietly minding its own business. No one knows how long it's been there - perhaps they are a new tenant after the much-hyped 'upgrading' of the hawker centre, or it's just THERE. Only the hawkers know better.

As the name suggests, sweet desserts are their main source of income, which by now I would have guessed that the principal owner is this late 30s, plump bespectacled lady. Her sidekick - excuse me - her assistant, the matronly woman with a hunch-back - that would probably be the mum.

Once in a while when Wei and I get cravings for sweet food (well, actually I'm the only one who gets that), I'd volunteer to make a trip to Ah Ma Tian Pin for a packet of ice jelly and cheng teng.

"But it so sinful!" Wei protested after tucking in a packet of prawn noodles and one poh-piah.

"A bit-bit lah," I cajoled. "Anyway it's the weekend."

"You say that every weekend."

Still I got out of the house with money in hand. It wasn't the best dessert stall around but it's the little things that made up for it. Colourful sweet-nothings such as tau suan, bubor cha cha, green-bean soup sitting in deep containers made out of stainless steel, all steaming hot and ready to go - the perfect way to tickle one's taste buds.

Stacks and stacks of disposable lids packed in blue plastic translucent bags with hand-written items all over them, laid out neatly across the counter-top, are their way of displaying the menu. And more - albeit old-fashioned - cookery rests behind the main counter. Fuelled by the charcoal and the traditional Chinese stove, that's where they churn out our regular fix.

When business is slow, the hawkers gather around and yak about everything under the sun - from the nasty customers to ever-increasing rent and of course, the weather. The lazy afternoon drifts by as the containers once filled with desserts are happily emptied. And day after day, month after month, Ah Ma Tian Pin fill the stomachs of regular Singaporeans like us the old fashion way, just like Blossom Dearie's song.

Sunday, November 26, 2006
Episode 410

A free car-ride to Ikea (courtesy of Wei's brother), 3 lampshades and one hell of a huge bookshelf later, we were on our way to Geylang, the Land of Merry-Making for a late night supper. For the uninitiated, if Big Guy had seven bolts of lightning to strike at every sin man committed, Geylang would bear the brunt for two - it's THE place for Lust and Gluttony. (say more)

Sunday, November 5, 2006
How to make full use of your time when in Mustafa

Search for out-of-this-world items in the:
(1) Partyware section (see left);
(2) kitsch section (see right) and
(3) all other sections.

And while you're at it, name one item that you won't find in Mustafa (of course other than the obvious ridiculous items such as planes, cars and good Kenny G albums.

Monday, October 23, 2006
New Icon for Him

I showed Wei a spread of New Icon for Him's The Hottest Hunks in Malaysia (tacky, I know. But what else can you call them? Truly Asia Manmeat Contest?) and he promptly Photoshopped it to become this.

Eh, Malaysia Boleh!

(Link here)

Sunday, October 8, 2006
Episode 409

What's that word - ah - metrosexuals (and then we have ubersexuals), invented by gay men for straight men to do some really gay stuff and yet still feel straight. Visits the salon instead of Hassan's Barber? Check. Has a membership with California Fitness and Fitness First? Check. Ditched the good ol' 1992 Metallica tee for a tight-fitting Gucci shirt? Check. Shops at Jasons The Gourmet Grocer instead of NTUC Fairprice? Check... (say more)

Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Dry Prawn Noodles with Pork Ribs with Chilli on a Cold Sunday Night

The rainy season stealthily creeps up with a weekend shrouded with rain, clouds and flooded streets. And how else to celebrate it by downing a bowl of prawn noodles with meat that effortlessly slide off the ribs? Wei and I discovered this gem sometime back and we've been sorely addicted to it. He tells me how the prawn noodles is closely similar to one back in his hometown - the magic is the wet pounded chilli which warms up the body on a cold Sunday night. As I watch him happily tuck into a bowl of bliss, it's easy to understand why contentment is often a relationship's best ingredient.

SQ21 - Singapore Queers in the 21st Century (visit the site)

How does it feel to be growing up in an environment that expressly prohibits to be who and what you are? Here's a book about growing up in the gay-unfriendly nation-state which pretends to be all-encompassing but unfortunately fails to live up to its expectations. (ooh, I do sound hateful, don't I.)

Nevertheless, this book is a good and enjoyable read for all gay, straight and bisexual people. Available at Kinokuniya and Borders book stores in Singapore. Or if you reside out of Singapore (lucky you), visit here.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Usha Uthup does a Hindi version of I Will Survive.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Episode 408

Mrs. AD looked at her stack of notes and placed it on the table. She cleared her throat.

"Nathan has just tendered his resignation this morning."

I leapt up and threw a punch in the air. "Ho-seh ah!!!" I hollered. "Where's the fucking champagne, someone get me some fucking GLASSES!!! Is there some sort of bank holiday for this?!" (say more)

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Episode 407

My friend sent me a mail which taught me how to make sure that your nosy relatives wouldn't bother you any more with the Big M question. At a wedding, they'll walk up to you, poke you on the back and giggle "your turn is next!". Do the same to them when you attend a funeral the next time round. That'll shut them up real good... (say more)

Monday, July 31, 2006

Episode 406

I showed Wei one of my very, very ancient pictures as a kid. It was recess time, and I was standing in the field, holding a navy blue lunch bag while posing for the picture. If I remember correctly, I had a cutesy water bottle inside and sandwich box in the bag... (say more)

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Episode 403 (Part 2)

The date was September 27, 1996. The day was friday, also known as my Enlistment Day, also known as Judgement Day. Enlistment Day is akin to any other culture in the world when boyhood turns into manhood, except that there's no fanfare and you don't get your foreskin snipped off. It was a truly sad day (well, at least for the next 28 to 30 months, depending on how fat you are)... (say more)

Episode 405 - The Devil Wears THIS FASHION

Let's imagine your boss (with very bad breath) talking to you in an extremely offending and derogatory tone and constantly has a smirk on his face when he looks at you, passing snide remarks with his little ugly nose pointing upwards. And then he swipes at you with his trademark laugh, very much like someone suffering from a bout of spasm - both shoulders convulsing in an irregular fashion while making a disturbing but clearly pretentious guffaw that can be heard across the floor. How sick is that. (say more)

Mourning Simone

Monday, June 26, 2006

Wei always named the stray cats in the neighbourhood after jazz singers, and Simone of course, was named after Nina Simone. About two weeks after I knew Wei, he sent me an SMS and complained, "The neighbourhood cat gave birth in my kitchen again and ruined my red chair!" That was when I first got to know Simone.

Apparently Simone had climbed into the kitchen from the open window and gave birth to four kittens one night (for the second time), ruining not only Wei's chair but his white T-shirts. The tiny packages were the most adorable creatures roaming the earth, but we had to chase them out of the kitchen because of hygiene issues such as fleas. And don't get me started with cat fleas - from a lesson I've learnt in Toronto - even Osama bin Laden was easier to kill.

Cats are always known to be calculative animals - they will be close to you only when they need a favour (unlike dogs), but Simone (and my late cat Sigma) was different. I'd often spot her at the corridor escaping the gallows of the afternoon heat and she'll come forward and brush herself against me. There was a time I made a cheap-but-good toy for Simone's kittens - a string tied around a piece of newspaper. All I had to do was to bounce the damn thing and the kittens would leap into a frenzy; each trying to outsmart the other by trying to catch the newspaper. And lazy Simone lies contentedly at the corner watching them play. That was the happiest memory I had of the neighbourhood cats.

But she kept giving birth to litters of kittens, and it was painful for everyone to watch her aging faster than most cats. Her fur was turning into a dirty dull coat, and she was often subjected to abuse by the neighbourhood sickos.

One day, Wei's well-intentioned neighour called the SPCA because Simone's feet were swollen. Ah Hua thought the SPCA would give her treatment and bring her back but unfortunately, unknown to her, strays are usually put down instead of being brought back into the neighbourhood. The guys from SPCA brought the cage while Ah Hua was feeding Simone, and when the feline finished her food, she gave a weak whimper and got into the cage. She knew her time was up.

That was the last we ever heard of Simone.

Two of Simone's kittens, with her napping in the background

Tongkat Ali Spotted At Train Station

Thursday, June 8, 2006

According to Wikipedia, Tongkat Ali (Eurycoma Longifolia) is a small tree found in Malaysia and Indonesia. Locals in Southeast Asia are convinced that it can improve desire and sexual initiation (ie. it's an aphrodisiac, duh).

On a train station poster, a woman points at a 'suspicious' item while the train station staff looks on --- but now the item is replaced by a bottle of Tongkat Ali.

Woman: Excuse me! (pointing at Tongkat Ali) That's a huge bottle of Tongkat Ali lying on the floor!
Train Station Staff: Wah! Please stay away from it Madam, it might explode anytime!
Woman: I honestly don't mind such a huge bottle of Tongkat Ali exploding in my face loh...
Train Station Staff: (slut...)

Rant-master in Action.

Monday, May 29, 2006

No, no, no. Don't tell me you're not interested to see the ialsosay rant-master in action. He often writes all these episodes in nude, and here's a good chance to see him at his desk, ranting away (did I mention in nude?).

Be prepared to be absolutely blown away. Click here.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Episode 404

The last two Fridays of every month always send me into work frenzy (overtime, in fact). We had to submit a report on these two days so that my London office can remit funds to the brokers so that the latter will stop yelling at us, and that my heart doesn't skip a beat whenever the damn phone rings... (say more)

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Episode 403 (Part 1)

For the millions of fans who have been following this site closely, you might have noticed that I have just attended my annual military In-Camp-Training (ICT). And for the millions of you who (i) reside out of Singapore (ii) are not male Singaporeans (iii) who are male Singaporeans but have outed yourself in the army, the ICT... (say more)

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Appropriate Dressing For Joggers

A young girl, probably in her late teens, shows up at the neighbourhood park where I often try to catch my breath. She's almost always there when I'm there, and the thing that strikes me about her is that she wears long track pants complete with a hooded-sweater (yes, it's a sweater) and it's probably 32 degrees out there. I have no idea how she survives without going through a heat stroke when I'm sweating buckets in my tank and shorts.

And she runs with her Very Loud Headphones --- it's loud when I can hear her from 10 metres away. Mostly Chinese pop, but very loud. I'm not sure if she's trying to making a statement about her sense of dressing or the music she listens to, but really, this is Singapore in Blazing Summer, not New York City in Bloody Fall.

My bet is either a heat stroke or damaged ear drums.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Sweaty Military Men

"Fox Trot" ? 2006 Bill Amend

Isn't it sexy when you see 80 sweaty men, all dressed in their camouflage uniform (complete with cigarette smoke, beer bellies and vulgarities), talking about housing loans, investments, cars, kids and women with gigantic breasts?

The answer is of course, a resounding no. 

And yes, not all gay men are turned on by men in uniform. They are exceptions and we don't go drooling over every piece of meat that enters the room. A sterling example would be my annual military In-Camp-Training (ICT), where overgrown men attempt to squeeze into undersized uniforms ("It's the damn dryer, I swear."). I fell asleep halfway through a conversation when my friend was talking about his kid. We spent three-quarters --- wait, scratch that --- ninth-tenths of the time bumming around, and as someone said, we're always waiting to rush, and rushing to wait.

And since I will be away for an out-field trip, I figured I should do some shopping now that the long weekend is here.

And while passing by this local furniture store, I thought I'd probably get a gift voucher for an army buddy who has recently moved to his new place. Store assistant apologetically told me that the guy who has the key to the vouchers was out for lunch and asked me to come back later. Okay, no problem.

After thronging the mall for a kettle, a pair of portable speakers, 3 albums and my favourite National Geographic magazine (no it's not Vogue, thank you for stereotyping), I checked my watch. An hour has passed. That should give ample time. So I popped back to the store and waited at the counter for about 10 minutes --- although it seem a little closer to eternity. And the store assistant came back to me, "I'm so sorry sir, we're out of gift vouchers..."

What.

He explained that he was only made aware of the fact that the gift vouchers were out-of-stock now because they were kept under lock and key. Er, actually, wouldn't that be your problem? As a customer I don't have any responsibility of how you keep track of your stock and what happens when someone pops by for a purchase and the person taking charge is out for lunch. Even if I'm fine with the out-for-lunch issue, it doesn't mean I can accept the fact that you have asked the customer to return later, only to discover that the precise thing he wanted isn't available.

Yeah, shit happens. That's why I'm not coming back to a place where shit happened.