Quintessential Tips for Running a Race.

After being inspired (with every intention to copy) the article written by Kevin Cowherd, I have made up a list of things every runner should be aware of. It is entirely essential for you, the runner and your supporters, to strictly follow the rules and the etiquette so as not to embarrass yourself unnecessarily.

(1) Always have a light but decent breakfast. Start with a bowl of mee rebus. Then a packet of chwee kuay. Eat two packets of fried bee hoon, one McDonald's Big Breakfast and wash everything down with 3 big glasses of cold Milo. Don't worry if you get stitches; just press really hard on where it hurts and it'll go away. If you feel like throwing up, don't. Simply regurgitate.

(2) I cannot stress enough the importance of good running gear. I once saw a kid running in track pants and jacket (complete with hood) at the park when it's 33 degrees while blasting his iPod. Even though he looks like he's going to pass out anytime soon, it's a good way to build your endurance. If possible, wear gloves and a scarf while carrying a heat pack. Carry a bottle of hot coffee too.

Shoes are critical- without them we wouldn't be able to differentiate our left foot from our right. Pick ones that are less snazzy- they'll make you look like a pro. Screw Nike, Adidas or New Balance and stick to the basic Panda shoes we wore in school 16 centuries ago. You will experience extremely painful blisters and your toes will start bleeding, but pain = glory, so don't be a wimp.

And if you're really, really ambitious, try running in these Alexander McQueens:

(3) While running, remember to switch lanes every 5 seconds. The tactic is to irritate the hell out of the other runners so that they'll lose their momentum and fall back.

When overtaking, look back and give a smirk and make sure the other guy knows that you're smirking.

If for any reason the same guy manages to overtake you, kick him hard on the calf so that he'll trip. Finish off with one more smirk. Middle fingers are optional.

(4) Drinks station- don't ever come to a complete standstill when you arrive at the stations. But remember to start yelling if the drinks aren't coming as fast as they should. It is perfectly alright to throw the used cups at the volunteers; after all, they are cheap labour!

(5) Bananas, gel-packs and other freebies: take as much as you can carry and of course you can start screaming when they run out. Throw the banana skins over your head for good luck- someone will slip and ta-da, you have one less competitor.

(6) Potty-rules: there's no rule actually. Just take a leak when and where you feel like it, but not when you're running as it'll get pretty messy.

(7) Deep-heat stations: grab the whole tube and don't be satisfied with just a handful of that white gooey stuff. Apply it over your face, your eyes and the inside of your nostrils. You'll get a horribly painful sting, but it'll give you a much-needed boost. Application to private areas not recommended but there's not much harm trying.

(8) Finishing: stretch out your arms and do a slow-mo upon reaching the finishing line. It's your damn moment, the cameras are all on you and don't let anyone ruin it. Have a friend play "One Moment in Time" or the theme from "Chariots of Fire" through loud speakers and find some more friends to pull the other runners away so that they will not spoil YOUR MOMENT.

Your foot should strike the finishing point the second Whitney belts out "I WILL BE... I WILL BE FREEEE-EEEE-EEEE-EEEE". Good facial expressions are paramount- just pretend that you just had a sexual climax. Practice it in front of a mirror and tape and review it regularly.