Sunday, January 25, 2009

Kylie Kwong Cooking Up a Huge Pot of Rubbish.

I was at the edge of the seat the other night while watching TV. No - I wasn't watching some horror flick or some ridiculously badly comedy done by Mediacorp. It was Kylie Kwong on Discovery Travel and Living, complete with her very unflattering butch outfit, thick black-framed glasses, a dowdy hairstyle and the god-awful Aussie accent.

A classical case of "pian jiak" - where one gets by without any real or substantial knowledge of the subject matter. Ms Kwong was throwing a 'simple' dinner party for a few of her 'closest friends' (I think she meant 'closet friends') by preparing a steamboat (or hotpot).

But it was anything but simple. She had a huge and long list of ingredients which goes like this:

Ingredients 700 g (1 lb 6 oz) small whole squid 300 g (10 oz) organic pork fillet, finely sliced on the diagonal 300 g (10 oz) organic chicken fillet, finely sliced on the diagonal 300 g (10 oz) organic beef fillet, finely sliced on the diagonal 400 g (13 oz) white fish fillets, finely sliced on the diagonal 12 uncooked king prawns (jumbo shrimp), peeled and deveined but with tails intact Squid marinade 2 large red chillies, halved lengthways, deseeded and roughly sliced 1 teaspoon sea salt 11/2 tablespoons palm sugar 1 tablespoon fish sauce 2 tablespoons ginger julienne 1 tablespoon lime juice Garlic and ginger paste 10 garlic cloves, crushed 1/2 cup roughly chopped ginger 1 teaspoon sea salt Pork marinade 2 tablespoons Hoisin sauce 1 tablespoon Shao Hsing wine 1 teaspoon Chinese black vinegar dash of sesame oil Chicken marinade 1 tablespoon oyster sauce 1 tablespoon Shao Hsing wine 1 teaspoon light soy sauce dash of sesame oil Beef marinade 2 tablespoons Chinese BBQ sauce 1 tablespoon Shao Hsing wine 1 teaspoon Sichuan pepper and salt dash of sesame oil Fish marinade 2 tablespoons finely sliced coriander stalks and roots 1 tablespoon peanut oil 2 teaspoons sea salt 1 teaspoon white sugar Prawn marinade 1 tablespoon finely diced lemongrass 1/4 cup finely sliced spring onions (scallions) 1 1/2 tablespoons ginger julienne 1 tablespoon Shao Hsing wine 1 teaspoon sea salt dash of sesame oil 1 fresh bamboo shoot — about 750 g (11/2 lb) 18 live mussels — about 350 g (11 oz) in total 12 live sea scallops 1 bunch choy sum 1 bunch green asparagus 1 Chinese white cabbage 2 cups bean sprouts 1/3 bunch mint 1/3 bunch sweet Thai basil 1/3 bunch coriander 1/3 bunch Vietnamese mint 300 g (10 oz) fresh Hokkien noodles 2 salted duck eggs 3/4 cup fresh black cloud ear fungus 75 g (21/2 oz) fresh shiitake mushrooms, stems discarded 6 braised dried Chinese mushrooms Stock 3 litres (3 quarts) water 4 spring onions (scallions), trimmed and cut in half crossways 10 garlic cloves, crushed 20 slices ginger 60 g (2 oz) galangal, peeled and sliced 3 lemongrass stalks, bruised 2 tablespoons sea salt Dipping sauces combine 3 tablespoons oyster sauce with 1 teaspoon sesame oil combine 2 tablespoons of hoisin sauce, Chinese black vinegar and Chinese BBQ sauce combine equal quantities of finely sliced salted radish and pickled mustard greens combine 1 teaspoon dark soy sauce with 2 teaspoons light soy sauce, 1 teaspoon diced ginger and a dash of sesame oil Condiments light soy sauce fish sauce Chinese mixed pickles finely sliced large red chillies lemon wedges Sichuan pepper and salt

And how about the preparation? Equally simple as well! Here goes:

Clean squid by gently pulling head and tentacles away from the body. Pull out the clear backbone (quill) from inside the body and discard entrails. Cut tentacles from the head just below the eyes; discard head. Remove side wings and fine membrane from the body. Rinse body, tentacles and wings thoroughly and pat dry with kitchen paper. Cut the squid down the centre so that it will open out flat. Using a small, sharp knife, score shallow diagonal cuts in a criss-cross pattern on the inside surface. Cut scored squid into 5 x 2.5 cm (2 x 1 in) pieces and place in a bowl. For the squid marinade, pound chilli and salt into a rough paste with a pestle and mortar. Add palm sugar, pound lightly, then stir in fish sauce, ginger and lime juice. Add marinade to the squid in the bowl. Place pork, chicken, beef, fish and prawns in separate bowls, then set aside while you prepare the garlic and ginger paste. Pound garlic, ginger and salt together with a pestle and mortar until you have a rough paste. Divide this paste between the pork, chicken and beef. Add the five lots of marinade ingredients for the pork, chicken, beef, fish and prawns to their respective bowls. Thoroughly mix the contents of each bowl, then cover and refrigerate for 2 hours. To prepare the bamboo, cut the horn-shaped shoot in half lengthways, strip off the outer fibrous layers and then trim about 2 cm (1 in) off the base. Cut into 5 mm (1/4 in) wide strips, add to a pan of cold salted water and then boil rapidly for at least 10 minutes. Drain and refresh under cold water. Repeat this process of boiling from a cold-water start, draining and refreshing twice more to remove any bitterness. Set aside. (Any leftover bamboo can be placed in cold water and stored in the refrigerator for up to 3 days — it makes a delicious addition to stir-fries and braises.) Scrub, debeard, rinse and drain the mussels; set aside. Clean the scallops, leaving them attached to their shells. Trim ends from the choy sum, then cut crossways into 3 pieces and wash thoroughly; drain. Wash the asparagus and snap off the woody ends, then peel the lower part of the stem and cut into thirds on the diagonal. Discard outer leaves of cabbage, then slice cabbage in half lengthways, remove core and cut crossways into about 4 pieces and wash thoroughly, pulling pieces apart to separate leaves. Wash bean sprouts and all the herbs thoroughly; drain well. Pick sprigs from the herbs. Blanch Hokkien noodles in boiling salted water until 'al dente' — about 4 minutes. Drain, refresh in cold water, then thoroughly drain again. Bring a pan of water to the boil, add salted duck eggs and boil for 9 minutes. Drain, refresh in cold water, then peel and cut into quarters. Arrange bamboo, mussels, scallops, choy sum, asparagus, cabbage, bean sprouts, herbs, noodles, eggs and mushrooms in simple serving bowls. Place these on the table, along with the bowls of marinated meats and seafood. About an hour before your guests are due to arrive, make the stock. Place the water in a large electric wok — about 35 cm (14 in) in diameter. Add all remaining stock ingredients and bring to the boil, simmer, uncovered, for 20 minutes. Turn off heat, cover and set aside. Finally, arrange all the dipping sauces and condiments in small bowls on the table, allowing two bowls of each. When everyone is ready to sit down and eat, place the electric wok in the centre of the table. Reheat stock and invite your guests to choose their own meat, fish and vegetables to cook in the simmering stock, before dipping them in their favourite sauces and condiments. Towards the end of the meal ”generally a long and raucous affair” the noodles are added to the rich, full-flavoured stock and slurped. Enjoy!

(For the record, I had to condense her list of ingredients and the preparation method in two long, single paragraphs because I was running out of space.)

Is your head spinning yet? Mine was, when I watching the programme. The thing with Ms. Kwong was that as someone who had never grew up in Asia (she pronounced scallops as "score-lops" - that was a dead giveaway), it almost never comes out right when she does her shows. It's like someone telling you that chop suey and fortune cookies originated from China, and how all Chinese rejoice in glee when they tuck into a plate of fried cockroachs, lizards and telly-tubbies.

And the thing that confuses Wei Chun and I was Ms. Kwong's decision to marinate the meat for the steamboat - what's the point? Most of the flavours would be washed off when the meat is dipped into the boiling stock anyway, not to mention how murky and appalling the stock would look at the end of the meal. It really isn't rocket science.

Suffice to say, Ms. Kwong has certainly proved herself when she can transform one of the simplest Chinese dishes into the most complicated and mind-boggling cuisines. The point about Do-It-Yourself cooking shows is to concoct something straight-forward for the audiences at home to try it out themselves. But Ms. Kwong's foray into steamboat creates the complete opposite experience - it overloads the audiences with so much information it actually puts them off.

Perhaps, Ms. Kwong is looking through Asia through her window but more often than not she is seeing a reflection of her own self.

Score-lops.