Saturday, February 21, 2009

Sumiko Tan and Her Single Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's everyone. To mark this special occasion, I have decided to visit my local kee tang again to get possessed and experience how Valentine's is like for the Loneliest Single Girl Ever Recorded in the Oral and Written History of Singapore. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you - Ms Sumiko Tan.

Staying Single on Valentine's Day

Sumiko Tan

Let me start off my essay on this beautiful Valentine's Day with one word:

SIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Okay, I feel better. So I woke up this morning, stretched myself on the Super-Single bed and wondered what's new today. I flipped through my favourite newspaper The Straits Times (which incidentally, is also the newspaper I work for), and was quietly pleased with the amount of quality work and professionalism journalists like us put in. I am particularly impressed by the article written on the Journalism Awards, which is a prize presentation by ourselves, for ourselves and to ourselves. Even though the article has mildly disguised it as an external awards ceremony, I'm glad the journalist was brilliant enough to hide that fact.

But I disgress (I love using this phrase, it makes me sound complex). I think my heart broke a little when I flipped to the back of the Life! section. There it was - the article about my long time girl-friend Jamie Yeo's divorce with Celebrity DJ Glenn Ong.

I was overwhelmed by shock, disbelief and above all, pure genuine concern. From a Single Girl to another Newly Single Girl. Jamie needs my help. She needs to know how to deal with Singlehood. And I have the perfect opening line for her, something that I've been keeping for years in case any of my friends breakup:

"Get over him. Look at me, I'm single yet fabulous."

But I didn't quite get Jamie's response when I rang her up and offered my classic opening line. She just said, "Sumiko, please, get out of my face."

"But Jamie," I retorted. "I'm on the phone with you. You can't see my face." It takes one single girl to know another. And I nodded approvingly to myself.

Jamie was apprehensive about my reaction. I think she was really sad about the breakup, so she started yelling, mouthing words like 'bimbo' and 'piss off'. "Yell all you want Jamie." I pleaded, although I think it's quite rude to tell Glenn to 'piss off' and comment that he's a bimbo. "It'll make you feel better about the breakup." And then the line got cut off.

I tried calling back but it was engaged. Jamie must have been trying to call me back as well, so I just kept on calling her, hoping that our line will meet somewhere in the middle.

We didn't succeed, so I had to go back my daily chore of stoking my Singlehood Ego. I decided to treat myself to a nice dinner by visiting Les Amis.

"I'm sorry, Mdm, we're fully booked for tonight." came the reply when I called them up.

"What? Fully booked? What's the occasion?" I was flabbergasted.

"Er - it's Valentine's?"

"Is that a question?"

"What?"

"I mean - are you asking me a question?"

"No Mdm, I wasn't asking a question." There was a five second pause followed by a what sounded like a deep breath. "I was merely saying it's Saint Valentine's Day today, that's why our restaurant is fully booked."

And then it dawned upon me that I almost had my Saturday Singlehood Dinner in full view of lovey-dovey couples celebrating Valentine's Day! If that isn't blasphemous, I don't know what it is.

"Well tell me earlier next time." I told the hostess before hanging up the phone and letting out a long sigh.

SIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I really wasn't ready to let my Valentine's Day pass without reflecting upon myself about some personal thoughts of singlehood, so I decided to call up a married friend, who used to be a newspresenter with the competitor company.

"Diana? Diana? Is that you?"

"Y-yes, hi Sumiko!! HOW ARE YOU SUMIKO!!!"

"Why are you breathing heavily? Is everything all right?"

"Stop touching me James! I'm on the phone!!! I'M ALRIGHT AND YOURSELF? LOVED YOUR ARTICLES ON SUNDAY TIMES!! " I really didn't understand why she started talking very loudly.

"I'm good Diana, I was wanted to call someone up and talk about singlehood. You know, being single on Valentine's Day? I find that to be excrutiating really. While all my friends have lovers to celebrate this day, I'm still single you know? Single, single, single. Funny thing came to my mind - why don't they call people who are attached plural? Diana? Diana?"

"Oh fuck, James you spilled it ALL OVER THE FLOOR!! I just waxed it yesterday! Listen Su, I'd really love to catch up with you but I have some minor problems here. Can I call you again?"

"Sure, what did James spill, milk? You know if you use-"

"Milk, cream. whatever. I gotta go. NO JAMES DON'T USE YOUR HAND TO WIPE THE FLOO-" and then the phone went dead.

So I ended up having instant noodles again while watching the Saturday Night Movie on Channel 5, all alone. Mum was out with her mahjong kakis again. I turned on my laptop and checked for email from work. Not a single email (single - get it?). I logged onto MSN (my id is "singlelonelygalwhowritesforsundaytimes" in case you'd like to chat me up) but no one was online - also partly due to the fact that no one's on my friend's list.

On the other hand, there's always something to look forward to on Sunday. I can't wait to call up Jamie first thing in the morning and ask about coping with singlehood. And as for Diana, I don't really think she's talking about milk.