Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Three Little Pigs (Unsuitable for Children).

Once upon a time there were three little pigs and the time came for them to leave home and seek their fortunes.

Before they left, their mother rattled off a list of numbers they should call in the event of an emergency. "Town Council call this number, MP call this number, PUB call this number, Broadband problems call Starhub at this number."

"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin." Said the first little pig.

"F#c* you lah! You only say that later you stupid pig!" screamed the mother. So she chased all of them out and got on Star Cruise to try her luck at the casino.

The first little pig built his house at Potong Pasir because it was the cheapest thing to do, even though there are no bus services and the lift doesn't stop on every floor.

One night the big bad wolf, who dearly loved to eat fat little piggies, came along and saw the first little pig in his Potong Pasir HDB flat.

He said, "Let me in, Let me in, little pig or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!"

"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin." Said the first little pig.

But of course the wolf did blow the house in and ate the first little pig.

The second little pig built his house in Boon Lay. This was a little bit stronger than the Potong Pasir house.

But it's damn bloody far, complained the wolf. He had to take the train, transfer at another station, transfer to yet another feeder bus and walk 25 minutes to get to the second pig's house. Luckily for him there's transfer rebate.

"Okay now I can't find Blk 467C." The wolf put his palm to his face. He stopped a foreign worker and asked for directions.

The foreign worker let off a string of incomprehensible dialect which sounded like verbal diarrhea. So the wolf ate the foreign worker.

When he finally found the second pig's house, He said, "Let me in, Let me in, little pig or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!"

"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin." Said the second little pig.

But of course the wolf did blow the house in and ate the second little pig, and went for some bubble tea to aid digestion.

The third little pig is very smart. He lived in a condo by the name of Le Chateau De Pasir Ris.

The wolf had to climb over the railings while the security guard was too engrossed in reading the trashy Chinese evening tabloid.

Then he went to the house and said, "Let me in, Let me in, little pig or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!"

The door opened and a woman appeared.

"Yesh?"

"Where's the third little pig?" The wolf enquired.

"Downstairsh lahsh! Mothersh! I alreadysh saysh it'sh NOTSH Davish Gansh lohsh!" She screamed and slammed the door.

"Bitch." Thought the wolf.

So the wolf went to the correct unit and said the same old line.

Another woman opened the door.

"Yes?"

"Where's the third little pig?" The wolf enquired.

"Sir not in! No buy! No buy! Go! Go!"

"When is he coming back?"

"Mum says, no talk strangers! She no allow me go Lucky Plaza also!"

Convinced that the third little pig is hiding in the house, the wolf tried climbing into the house through the rubbish chute. "Wah lah damn smelly siah." The wolf groaned. "Whatever happened to good ol' fashioned chimneys?"

But he did manage to climb through any way and found the third little pig sitting in the living room watching soccer (Man U v. Chelsea).

The wolf said, "Let me in, Let me in, little pig or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!"

"You're already in, moron." said the third little pig.

The wolf is very angry. "I will eat you now!"

"Before you eat me, can I go to the toilet please?" begged the third little pig.

The wolf relented and let him go. But he waited for a long time outside the toilet and still the pig hasn't come out.

He grew suspicious and blew the toilet door down. Then he discovered - no railings!

The third little pig had escaped! The wolf ran to the security guard and asked if he had seen the third little pig.

"Well, I can confidently say that the third little pig is either in the condo, or he's not in the condo."

So the wolf ate the security guard and lived happily with the maid ever after.

**The End**